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Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer

Madoff to Help U.S. Sell Bad Assets
March 22, 2009 11:56 PM (EST)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-borowitz/madoff-to-help-us-sell-ba_b_177870.html

The Obama administration, hoping to find investors to buy $1 trillion worth
of so-called "toxic" assets from U.S. financial institutions, has turned to
confessed swindler Bernie Madoff to mastermind the sales campaign.

While White House officials acknowledged that joining forces with the
jail-bound scam artist was likely to raise some eyebrows, privately they
are hoping that when it comes to selling bad assets to investors, the
"Madoff magic" will carry the day.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," White House chief of staff
Rahm Emanuel said on CNN last night. "If anyone can convince investors to
buy a worthless piece of paper, it's Bernie Madoff."

Under the unusual arrangement, Mr. Madoff will be temporarily sprung from
his prison cell and permitted to have meetings with prospective investors
to sell them on American financial institutions' $1 trillion worth of bad
assets, accompanied by a phalanx of armed guards.

"The guards wanted to bring dogs along to chase Madoff if he tries to make
a run for it, but we felt that would undercut his credibility with
investors," Mr. Emanuel said.

The chief of staff added that having Mr. Madoff spearhead the sale of toxic
assets would free up Mr. Obama for more pressing matters, "like appearing
on Jimmy Kimmel Live."

In other economic news, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said he would
raise much-needed capital for the U.S. Treasury by accepting billboard
advertising on his forehead.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker
and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site,
BorowitzReport.com.