Illustration for article titled Bleeding John Bolton Stumbles Into Capitol Building Claiming That Iran Shot Him

WASHINGTON—Bursting through the Congressional chamber doors while moaning and clutching his shoulder, John Bolton reportedly stumbled into the Capitol building Friday claiming that he’d been shot by Iran. “Help, help, I’ve just been attacked by a large Middle Eastern country around 636,000 square miles in size,” said the national security advisor, telling those assembled that he’d just been minding his own business when an aggressive Islamic Republic had thrown him on the ground and shot him with a long-range missile. “Right after Iran shot me, I heard the nation laugh and say ‘Somebody stop me before I go on a homicidal rampage.’ It was acting crazed and irrational, and I could smell enriched uranium coming from one of its urban centers. Please, hurry, if we move quickly, we might still be able to catch it before it’s too late.” Upon further questioning, Bolton admitted that the incident had happened so fast that it was possible he’d been attacked by Venezuela or North Korea.