http://www.alternet.org/sex/144425/why_fake_optimism_is_the_worst_way_to_deal_with_life%27s_problems
By Liz Langley, AlterNet. Posted December 8, 2009.
Looking at crap and calling it candy has become a growth industry. But
experts say there are better ways to deal with crisis.
One of the funniest, sickest and catchiest scenes in film history was at
the end of Monty Python's Life of Brian. Brian and about a dozen other guys
have been crucified and while they're waiting to die one of them launches
into that impossibly perky little toe-tapper, "Always Look on the Bright
Side of Life."
This parody was written 30 years ago but its ironic ending of the whistling
doomed feels totally appropriate for today; a time of crisis in which the
desire to learn how to look at crap and call it candy has become a growth
industry. Affirmations, visualizations and the long arm of the Law of
Attraction -- you attract what you put out -- seem to be everywhere.
Undoubtedly someone has met your doubts this year with the mantra "Think
positive!" And how dearly we'd all love to believe that wishing could make
it so.
Barbara Ehrenreich takes a long, comprehensive look at positive thinking in
her most recent book, Bright Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of
Positive Thinking Has Undermined America. Ehrenreich delves into our
country's religious history, the way positive thinking has been absorbed
into religion, psychology and economics, the ubiquity of motivational
speakers, and why it might not be such a good thing to, say, avoid the news
because it brings you down. One of the most memorable passages in the book
is a call center worker who describes having to simulate happiness as "the
kind of feeling you might get from getting a hand job when your soul is
dying."
Receiving a diagnosis of breast cancer is what ushered Ehrenreich into the
world of positive thinking, where despite innumerable stories of fellow
sufferers on the Internet, she felt increasingly isolated: "No one among
the bloggers and book writers seemed to share my sense of outrage over the
disease and the available treatments," she writes, and later, "The effect
of all this positive thinking is to transform breast cancer into a rite of
passage -- not an injustice or a tragedy to rail against but a normal
marker in the lifecycle, like menopause or grandmotherhood." In one case
cancer is characterized as a "gift."
In the current economic crisis we are all giving and receiving more bad
news all the time. Maybe later you can help your friend spin that pink slip
into gold, but even if you mean well, jumping straight to "This is a good
thing!" might not be something she can hear right now.
So what is the best, most compassionate way to respond when a friend has
been visited by -- gasp! -- negativity: a job loss, an illness, a break-up,
a breakdown, or any other of life's freaking "gifts" for which here is no
evident return counter? I talked to four authors, all of whom offered
excellent advice for how best to respond to a friend or family member in
crisis.
Dr. John Sharp, a neuropsychiatrist who teaches at Harvard and UCLA and
whose forthcoming book, The Emotional Calendar is due out next year, says
that while being positive has value, "you can't deny the stress you're
under or the reality and think you're doing yourself a favor." Real change
starts with acceptance. Once that's taken place Dr. Sharp recommends a
technique called PERL, an acronym that stands for Partnership, Empathy,
Respect and Legitimization.
The first, Partnership, has a brief prelude: as a friend you have to
quickly assess and decide how much you're able to really be there for this
person, which can help you steer your own course more effectively.
Sharp says the ability to say, "I'm going to be there with you from now til
this is all done," is "worth so much, it's unbelievable; it's worth I don't
know how many milligrams of medication." But you have to mean it.
The next step is Empathy: "Conveying in as few words as possible your
appreciation of how someone feels." You don't want to say, "Oh, that must
be so hard for you," because the "for you" part "puts up walls" he says,
making a distinction that essentially says "You poor SOB...but I don't have
that problem." Just say "Oh, that's so sad," or "That's so hard," so the
person feels understood.
Looking at crap and calling it candy has become a growth industry. But
experts say there are better ways to deal with crisis.
One of the funniest, sickest and catchiest scenes in film history was at
the end of Monty Python's Life of Brian. Brian and about a dozen other guys
have been crucified and while they're waiting to die one of them launches
into that impossibly perky little toe-tapper, "Always Look on the Bright
Side of Life."
This parody was written 30 years ago but its ironic ending of the whistling
doomed feels totally appropriate for today; a time of crisis in which the
desire to learn how to look at crap and call it candy has become a growth
industry. Affirmations, visualizations and the long arm of the Law of
Attraction -- you attract what you put out -- seem to be everywhere.
Undoubtedly someone has met your doubts this year with the mantra "Think
positive!" And how dearly we'd all love to believe that wishing could make
it so.
Barbara Ehrenreich takes a long, comprehensive look at positive thinking in
her most recent book, Bright Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of
Positive Thinking Has Undermined America. Ehrenreich delves into our
country's religious history, the way positive thinking has been absorbed
into religion, psychology and economics, the ubiquity of motivational
speakers, and why it might not be such a good thing to, say, avoid the news
because it brings you down. One of the most memorable passages in the book
is a call center worker who describes having to simulate happiness as "the
kind of feeling you might get from getting a hand job when your soul is
dying."
Receiving a diagnosis of breast cancer is what ushered Ehrenreich into the
world of positive thinking, where despite innumerable stories of fellow
sufferers on the Internet, she felt increasingly isolated: "No one among
the bloggers and book writers seemed to share my sense of outrage over the
disease and the available treatments," she writes, and later, "The effect
of all this positive thinking is to transform breast cancer into a rite of
passage -- not an injustice or a tragedy to rail against but a normal
marker in the lifecycle, like menopause or grandmotherhood." In one case
cancer is characterized as a "gift."
In the current economic crisis we are all giving and receiving more bad
news all the time. Maybe later you can help your friend spin that pink slip
into gold, but even if you mean well, jumping straight to "This is a good
thing!" might not be something she can hear right now.
So what is the best, most compassionate way to respond when a friend has
been visited by -- gasp! -- negativity: a job loss, an illness, a break-up,
a breakdown, or any other of life's freaking "gifts" for which here is no
evident return counter? I talked to four authors, all of whom offered
excellent advice for how best to respond to a friend or family member in
crisis.
Dr. John Sharp, a neuropsychiatrist who teaches at Harvard and UCLA and
whose forthcoming book, The Emotional Calendar is due out next year, says
that while being positive has value, "you can't deny the stress you're
under or the reality and think you're doing yourself a favor." Real change
starts with acceptance. Once that's taken place Dr. Sharp recommends a
technique called PERL, an acronym that stands for Partnership, Empathy,
Respect and Legitimization.
The first, Partnership, has a brief prelude: as a friend you have to
quickly assess and decide how much you're able to really be there for this
person, which can help you steer your own course more effectively.
Sharp says the ability to say, "I'm going to be there with you from now til
this is all done," is "worth so much, it's unbelievable; it's worth I don't
know how many milligrams of medication." But you have to mean it.
The next step is Empathy: "Conveying in as few words as possible your
appreciation of how someone feels." You don't want to say, "Oh, that must
be so hard for you," because the "for you" part "puts up walls" he says,
making a distinction that essentially says "You poor SOB...but I don't have
that problem." Just say "Oh, that's so sad," or "That's so hard," so the
person feels understood.
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