donderdag 28 september 2017

‘America First’ means ‘Britain Last’

Theresa May finally realises ‘America First’ means ‘Britain Last’

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When Theresa May promised a strong and special relationship with President Trump, most of us said:
Ha ha ha! That’s funny. But what’s the real plan?
May robotically carried on as if no one was laughing at her, causing people to shout:
For real!? The guy’s a sausage roll in a suit! And he got elected on a platform of giving other countries shitty trade deals! You might as well be telling us you’ve put the big, bad wolf in charge of elderly care! You might as well be telling us you put the guy who wrote a book about privatising the NHS in charge of – oh wait.
But of course, May just kept to the script. Almost as if she is – in fact – quite literally a robot.

Sing for your supper

Trump isn’t just greedy, though. He’s also allegedly quite petty and vindictive. Which is why some of our top companies have reported the following:

  • James Dyson said he was made to dress in a Paddington Bear costume and do a striptease to secure a new contract.
  • The people who make Jaffa Cakes were told they could only sell their cakes (biscuits?) if they changed the name to ‘Trumper Doodles’.
  • Our main export (classically trained actors) will be naturalised as American citizens. Colin Firth will henceforth be known Colon Fries. Keira Knightley will be Kelly-Anne Cowboys. Bill Nighy is Butch Napalm.

We’re number two!

Of course, many people would prefer to see us subservient to America than in partnership with Europe. And it looks like they’ll get their wish.
Although perhaps they’ll repent on their death beds. As they find themselves in a McDonald’s-owned hospital – dying of a curable disease they can’t afford to be cured of, while chowing down on a bitter last meal of chlorine-washed meat and regret.
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